beer & cheese & a bag of chips fending for myself again tonight because my zuska managed to get herself all invited to a girls nite out with sushi while i worked the late shift. it was apparently extremely excellent. the sushi that is.

so i was thinking maybe tonight i'd have an omelet. (i was thinking at work, thinking about what i would have. yeah, slow night). i knew i had eggs, and cheese, probably not mushrooms. onions? was there ham? sliced ham! wait... is there bread? canadian white bread (which isn't white, it's beige)! and individually wrapped cheese slices? yes! i'm going to have...

grilled ham and cheese sandwiches!

this is one of those things i could eat a lot more of around the house but can't really make as a meal. the girls won't do the ham thing, and it isn't really all that nutritious to eat like, say, once a week. but it was just me and i was going to have what i wanted.

but i was at work, hours to go before dinner. and thirsty. and a little snacky. so i'll run to the liquor store across the street. you know, for a lovely beverage and a snack. and this is what i saw.


cheddar beer.

i not only saw them, i felt strangely compelled to buy them, to try them! how bad could they be? beer and chips go well together, chips and cheese work together, it all ends up in the stomach anyway. what would they look like? would they be dusty with cheese dust, or yeasty colored like dried beer? well, in fact, they looked like this.

which is to say, they looked like chips, normal potato chips. and that's a good thing because when a food is an unnatural color -- like the nuclear colors that doritos come in -- you just know you're ingesting your old 4th grade chemistry set with every bite. so i was encouraged.

and then i tried them.

you know how it is when you're at a pub or some funky joint where maybe it's a little loud, but that's okay, and maybe it's also a little dark, and that's okay, because you're having a good time and all? and then you get all silly and you knock the beer bottle -- whoops! -- nice save! but a little of the beer splashed onto your chips and you mopped it up with a paper towel and, hey, they didn't so soggy. so then you've got a little cheddar that dripped out of your burger in your basket and you use one of those chips to scoop up the cheese and then, pop, right into your mouth.

there's a crunch, but not a crisp crunch. and a salty kind of cheese flavor, like the parmesan dust that's left over in the bottom of a can of that kraft stuff. and then, after you swallow, that husky aftertaste in the back of your throat that you get from a dark beer. only it's not a beer, and it isn't really cheese, and you're wondering why you're getting all this from a potato chip.

yeah, i ate the whole bag. i'm a guy. that's no excuse, i'm just saying.

so the minute i was off work i trucked home and my jacket hadn't even hit the floor before i was heating up the pan and buttering that canadian white bread. beer and cheese and chips may go together well, but only some drunken fool who gorged himself on a burger and chips and is nearly in a coma would come up with such a harebrained flavor as cheddar beer potato chips.

it takes a totally different fool to eat it. i can't even claim i was drunk.  ¶ Thursday, April 19, 2007