top-o-yer-corn over at slashfood they've got a story asking people what they top their popcorn with and so far it's pretty pedestrian. the usual culprits are there -- flavored butters and salts, sweet and savory additions, bacon, cheese, hot sauce. what i want to know is" where are all the freaks?

i worked in movie theatres. before the bomb got dropped on coconut oil (what had been used for decades in the theatre biz, dropped because it was supposedly a "bad" oil) people used to request all kinds of toppings. parmesan cheese and brewers yeast were the top requests, season salt at the very least. sodium-free alternatives were also high in demand. eventually the condiment counter looked like a collection of refuge containers from the italian restaurant on the corner with shakers of all different sizes and hole openings. we even had to chain them down as people would take them into the theatres for their own personal use (selfish bastages!) and then leave them there, empty, sitting in pools of soda filth on the floor.

popcorn topping freaks? yeah, we saw them. hot sauce requests were common, and why these people couldn't be bothered to bring their own bottles along was beside me. i remember the one guy who really wanted ketchup and went a few doors down to a deli and got a handful of those little foil packages. mustard came up as well, and that almost intrigued me, because i like mustard on things most people don't.

but the king all-time topper of popcorn toppers came from a woman who ordered a large trough-sized cup of corn and requested we let her season it half way before moving on. people often requested we stop half way so they could salt (or have us add butter to) the bottom half for better distribution. that's not such an unusual request. but what she wanted was for us to sell her a bag of m&m's to sprinkle in the middle, then salted it and then had us add extra butter. to just the bottom half. then we filled it again, she had us knock a little off the top, sprinkled another bag of peanut m&m's on top, salted it and had us give extra butter.

understand this about the "extra butter" question at the snack bar; it may be one of the most expensive items to stock, but the reason theatre's try to go light on the butter is because there is a hidden cost of putting too much butter in the bag or cup -- dry cleaning. after a while a pool of butter is going to settle and either leak through the seams of the bag or through the bottom of the cup. you can't wax these containers the way you do drink cups because the wax will melt alongside the melted butter or when stored in a warming bin, so the best they can be is a coated paper that is resistant but not seep-proof. i cannot tell you the number of times people came out of the theatre with the tell-tale extra butter stain on their clothes demanding we pay for dry cleaning. folks, if you ask for extra, don't expect a theatre to also cover the cleaning bill for your indulgences.

i mention this not only as a public service but because we knew when we loaded up that m&m/butter/popcorn concoction that there would be a mess to clean somewhere down the road. at the end of the show we all swooped in to find the evidence. Like treasure hunters on the beach someone shouted "eureka!" and we all converged. there, on the floor, to our horror, we found it. the bucket was completely empty. she had eaten the entire thing. worse, the butter had melted the candy coating off the m&m's leaving a rainbow swirl of congealed butter about a quarter inch thick on the bottom. furtherworse, it appeared she had dredged her fingers through the butter leaving little furrows were her nails scooped up the candy butter that she would probably be licking off her fingertips for the coming week.

lest you think this was a one-off, may i direct you attention to the following recipe for popcorn cake? or perhaps this recipe? even emeril has a version, thought the recipe link doesn't work you can find the book pretty easy. if you're so inclined.

or perhaps this sounds more to your liking:

Harry & David’s Spooky Moose Munch, a wonderful combination of fluffy, crisp popcorn glazed with almond toffee and tossed with candied orange peels. The best part of this Halloween treat is that some of this divine popcorn creation is dipped into semi-sweet dark chocolate and drizzled over with orange-flavored chocolate. A gourmet treat everyone will enjoy.

people, need i remind you: it CORN! it's what we use to fatten livestock! do you really need further incentive to gorge yourselves on chocolate and sweets to the point of casual obesity?

now, what did i do with those leftover easter candies...

Labels: corn, non-food, not recommended, popcorn, toppings

  ¶ Sunday, April 15, 2007 4 comments

  dinner for one, racism for all

louden wainwright iii (perhaps better known to some as rufus wainwright's dad) was a folkie who had a hit a few decades back called "dead skunk" which you may know about but have never heard. this post isn't about skunks or that song. i bring him up because in the 80's he had a song call "i eat out" that talks about what it's like to eat alone. mostly it's about how pathetic it is that he eats alone.

well you can put at the table
in the corner in the back
unless you got one in the telephone booth
i know, i'm here and i'm alone again
it's sad but it's the truth

no i'm not expecting anyone
is that beyond belief?
give me menu, take away the candle
never mind the aperitif

i get a little like that when the girls are out of town, as they were last night. without having everyone to cook for i'm not as inspired to cook for myself. unless i'm craving something specific that i can get take-out i'll just scrounge whatever's at home. unless it's like old mother hubbard there, and then it's the great divide: buy groceries and cook for one, or take-out?

have we ever discussed my indecision, especially when i'm too hungry to focus?

i got home from work last night, the girls already gone, and found nothing scrounge-worthy. shopping didn't sound fun so i ordered a burger and fries, zoomed on my bike to pick it up, and watched the ever-clumsy news media fall all over themselves on this don imus thing. people, the issues isn't his racism, it's the fact that we still haven't had a discussion about racism in this country because we don't feel like we can be good citizens until we have, and we haven't, and we're not. that is to say, racism exists because people in american believe it won't go away until we have a national dialog and consensus about racism which, if you've every tried to get a committee of people to agree on anything you realize isn't only difficult but sometimes impossible. now multiply that by several million, and not just any several million, but several million americans who equate "free speech" with "what i say is more right, more truthful, more valid than your free speech" and you'll understand my frustration.

basically, racism exists because we can't imagine an america without it. but i digress, and i must admit, i don't remember the meal at all. violation of rule number one: never eat with the television on. i had a perfectly good book, a couple back issues of entertainment weekly, there's no reason why it had to go down like that. at least i didn't get indigestion.

my zuska will be home later (it was only an overnight) but she's off to a party and i just don't see us eat together until tomorrow. so i'll scramble for a bagel sandwich here, maybe a makeshift pasta and sauce there, really clean out the fridge during this vacation week while the girls are away and work on some new menu ideas.

Labels: dining alone, not recommended, tv

  ¶ Saturday, April 14, 2007 0 comments

  lazy hash browns late saturday night i realized i didn't have the makings of a nice sunday breakfast. nothing. so i went to the only market opened after 11 pm and attempted to buy eggs, sausages and hash browns. yes, i could make the hash browns myself from potatoes, but i was being a lazy slug and wanted a shortcut.

because i'm not a morning person (hello! i went to art school! we have diplomas that state quite clearly we do not have to fully functional before noon on any given day) the thought of getting up before everyone to prepare potatoes just didn't sit well with me.

okay, okay, it really is because i'm lazy.

but did this store have any regular old hash brown potatoes in the freezer section? no. did they have home fries or anything of the sort? no. apparently the only kind of breakfast potato people want from their supermarkets these days are those skillet meals with potatoes, meat and other things all mixed in.

just add your own eggs! and we can charge you $5 for a package that includes less than half of a package of hash browns! and charge double for the privilege! aren't you happy for this wonderful convenience we are providing you!

honestly, are americans the dumbest consumers on the planet, or are we just treated that way?

anyway, lazy but undaunted, i decided to make hash browns out of the next best things: tater tots. the recipe follows, but i don't recommend it.

lazy hash browns (not recommended)

• 1 package of tater tots, thawed overnight in the refrigerator, chopped coarsely
• 1 onion, chopped small
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1 teaspoon dried parsley
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• salt and pepper to taste

in a skillet on medium heat saute the onions until soft
add the tater tots and let them sit a bit
add the spices, and flip to mix
let them sit until the start to brown and then flip them and cook another five minutes or so
once they are cooked through (about 15 minutes total) set the heat to low and let them sit until you're ready to serve.

problems
the problem is that the tater tot is meant to be eaten crispy on the outside, soft and potato-y on the inside. that gets messed up once you chop up the tots. once they cook they begin to crumble and then you have a sort of potato gravel that, while good, tends to get a little heavy with oil and become less distinct as potato.

no, i say if you're going to cheat on hash browns use the tater tots as-are, baked to perfection in the oven per instructions on the package. also, if you're going with tater tots for breakfast just toss a few in a tortilla with scrambled eggs and some chopped up sausage. a breakfast burrito is a wonderful thing. salsa is good with it, or just plain hot sauce, but ketchup works for me as well (you have to be a ketchup-with-eggs person, i realize). and don't forget cheese! yum!

Labels: breakfast, not recommended, potato, recipe, tater tots

  ¶ Sunday, February 25, 2007 0 comments